Yes. I see you and I see all of you. I know the pain you feel and the fear you feel when looking at something that might be unknown or something that could end in the same cycle you've been facing for a long time. The back and forth and the hurt that comes with letting people into your life only to let them walk on you and betray your trust. I see you.
I struggle with these thoughts daily. I struggle with letting people in and trusting them not to take your heart and just throw it on the ground. It's a daily battle. You want what others have, you want to let someone in...but that day you were cheated on or hit years back has caused a void that it seems hard to jump over.
These are the thoughts I struggle with. I've talked about my anxiety in a previous post today and a lot of it stems from a bad and horrible relationship that I found myself in. I never asked for him to be the way he was. I never wanted to be told I sucked at all the things I was good at. I never asked to be told, "How does it feel to love someone who doesn't love you?" No one askes for these things to happen. These scar people. Being cheated on scars people. Physical abuse scars people. All these things make it so hard for someone to really feel that can ever be happy again.
We fall into this sense that it's much better to just float from one person to the other and take what we need and move on to the next. We sometimes feel we are better off alone and never let anyone else in with a chance to show us what love is. Lately, I've been trying to rely on what God tells us love is, and that's what I want and search for. God's love is a prime example and he tells up so much about what it is and how it should be. Thought, because sin is in this world it's hard for us to see what is and what isn't especially when we have been through hell and back.
No, as humans love tends to be earned, though we miss the point. I personally feel there are different kinds of love. There unconditional love and romantic love in my eyes. There may be more, but I think you can love someone even though you don't love them romantically.
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. 1 Corinthians 14:4-8
Unconditional love is a huge part of our lives and it's probably the hardest love to give. Our parents hopefully have shown us this love in how they raise us, in their marriages if they're married and sometimes life misses the mark on this too. Sometimes we don't have good examples of this. Unconditional love has no stipulations on what you do or says to the person. They expect nothing from you. They will always love you. You love them.
The one thing I find that is so hard for a lot of people is thinking they are worthy of love in any form. Being rejected is hard. It sucks more than one cares to acknowledge. You beat down on yourself because someone didn't want you. You tear yourself down and self-sabotage because you feel unworthy of the attention someone may give you. I'm guilty of all these things. I'm terrified to let anyone in our fear of rejection, so I just don't let it happen. Slowly I'm coming to terms that if I'm worthy of God's love, I'm worthy of finding someone who will love me. So are you!
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
1 John 4:18
This has been my verse for a couple months now. Fear has been my undertaker in many instances where I have not needed to fear just yet. Anxiety is rooted in fear and that is something I have struggled with. Fear is a tool Satan uses against us because God tells us not to be afraid or anxious. God will open and close doors as needed. I've been saying this a lot because I'm walking through this with a friend of mine. God thinks we are worthy of his love and so embodying that in our lives is important too. We are made in God's image and we are fearfully and wonderfully made. It's hard to see past the scars and worries that our lives here on earth have given us. It's hard to think someone can see past all that hurt and just want to care for you as you are. I'm always so afraid someone will hear my story and walk away from me. Sometimes the thought that someone will just reject me is enough to just not even bother. At the end of the day, the thought reminds me that it doesn't matter who in this world loves me, God always does. Sometimes the negative thoughts still dance in my head. It's hard. I'm going to share some songs that talk about this.
But remember, your panic and fear isn't irrelevant and life is tough. You are worthy. You do deserve to be happy. You deserve to live a life that is fulfilling and loving. You deserve that even on days you feel you dont.
No comments:
Post a Comment