ANxioUS

 So, I've decided to get on here and really be real. I struggle with anxiety and depression. It is hard to talk about because I always get the vibe that people think I'm simply asking for attention when I talk about these mental health issues that slowly and always consume my life. I don't ask for people to easily understand, but I ask that people try. These issues are not something I asked for and they are most certainly something I hate dealing with. The depression comes and goes with thankfully no thoughts of taking my life. I can't say that was always the case, but I've come to realize that I have a lot of life to live and the people in my life are worth it and make life worth living. 

As for my anxiety, it seems to be something that can be so debilitating that I sometimes stopping living and hide. I take to myself and stew in my own thoughts and let them consume me. When the moments hit I trying to revert back to something familiar and something that keeps me from really thinking about much, as the thoughts can be obsessive and worrisome. Life events can change people. Being lied to and tossed aside, being mentally and verbally abuse can change a person, and it's changed me. Yes someone putting you down daily and telling you and forcing you to change so they can keep you from things is abuse. There are so many things that people don't see. My favorite thing people say is, "But he is never like that with me." Mine issues are solely in relationship anxiety. 

A lot of people who know me take notice that I typically have a hard time going places by myself, anything that could result in bad news I try to avoid and relationship is a huge big no, no for me as I worry and panic about things that could happen and that has affected me in that past. If I am not comfortable I will cancel plans or make plans to just stay home because I need time alone. Though that time alone sometimes doesn't result in a good outcome and others it proves to be extremely productive.

When it comes to relationships with others be it work, romance, friendships, or family, I will overthink. If something is said that makes it seem like something is wrong I will automatically assume the worse and let it stew in my head over the course of the next day or so till I know what you are truly thinking and have main intentions clear. Regardless of the outcome open communication with me, honesty, and transparency are the been means of communication. Along with that, I've also come to just not expect much from other people. Having hope for a situation tends to be the worse and last resort in a situation and my brain just always expects the worse. 

Yes, I know what the Bible says. Yes, I know when you quote scripture to mean you mean the best. I know my bible and I know well God is bigger than my anxiety. I try to focus on that. When I do, I good for the moment while I pray and meditate on it. But once I resume focusing on mundane life things the thoughts come back. In fact most days I'm consistently lost in thought on scripture about not being anxious. Though sin in this world is really and anxious thoughts come back. I even have anxious thoughts about God, which can extremely troublesome. 

I want help, and am getting it. But I also need understanding from my loved ones and friends. Telling me to calm down or get a grip only forces me to struggle more because it makes me feel like I don't have a good enough grip on what is happening in my life. Remember when you tell me it's going to be okay I am listening and I do believe you, but it takes a long time for my brain to realize that. I feel like I'm in flight or fight a good chunk of my day and my heart rate is through the roof. Somethings these anxiety attacks come out of nowhere and have no cause and honestly I can't tell you straight what triggers them. It's confusing and hard and not having a root to the issues makes coping a lot harder than it should be. 

I wish I could describe what anxiety feels like. Especially as a Christian who knows my life is taken care of. Sometimes it's so frustrating that my brain just can't be content with the fact that God has all this together and He has control of every aspect of my life. It just won't take that as an answer even though my heart believes every moment of it. It's kind of like a game of tug of war, there are two sides, and your know that whoever wins may let go of the rope, and everything on the other side will fall to the ground. It's also like the sense of fear when you think you left the stove on or your curling iron after you've left the house. It that sense of fear and dread and it sits on your chest and makes you question if you've done something wrong or why you're not good enough. Makes you ask why you are so broken and why people put up with you.

I wish I knew how to fix it. I wish I knew how to make me better. I wish I knew how to be okay. But let's face the facts. God does more for me than most ways to treat it. I use CBD oil to also help me be functional. I just hope this helps people see me. I hope this shows others dealing with anxiety that they're not alone. I hope this encourages people to reach out and we can stop treating talking about mental illness like it's bad. I just want people to see me. I don't want people to feel bad for me.