Yes. I see you and I see all of you. I know the pain you feel and the fear you feel when looking at something that might be unknown or something that could end in the same cycle you've been facing for a long time. The back and forth and the hurt that comes with letting people into your life only to let them walk on you and betray your trust. I see you.
I struggle with these thoughts daily. I struggle with letting people in and trusting them not to take your heart and just throw it on the ground. It's a daily battle. You want what others have, you want to let someone in...but that day you were cheated on or hit years back has caused a void that it seems hard to jump over.
These are the thoughts I struggle with. I've talked about my anxiety in a previous post today and a lot of it stems from a bad and horrible relationship that I found myself in. I never asked for him to be the way he was. I never wanted to be told I sucked at all the things I was good at. I never asked to be told, "How does it feel to love someone who doesn't love you?" No one askes for these things to happen. These scar people. Being cheated on scars people. Physical abuse scars people. All these things make it so hard for someone to really feel that can ever be happy again.
We fall into this sense that it's much better to just float from one person to the other and take what we need and move on to the next. We sometimes feel we are better off alone and never let anyone else in with a chance to show us what love is. Lately, I've been trying to rely on what God tells us love is, and that's what I want and search for. God's love is a prime example and he tells up so much about what it is and how it should be. Thought, because sin is in this world it's hard for us to see what is and what isn't especially when we have been through hell and back.
No, as humans love tends to be earned, though we miss the point. I personally feel there are different kinds of love. There unconditional love and romantic love in my eyes. There may be more, but I think you can love someone even though you don't love them romantically.
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. 1 Corinthians 14:4-8
Unconditional love is a huge part of our lives and it's probably the hardest love to give. Our parents hopefully have shown us this love in how they raise us, in their marriages if they're married and sometimes life misses the mark on this too. Sometimes we don't have good examples of this. Unconditional love has no stipulations on what you do or says to the person. They expect nothing from you. They will always love you. You love them.
The one thing I find that is so hard for a lot of people is thinking they are worthy of love in any form. Being rejected is hard. It sucks more than one cares to acknowledge. You beat down on yourself because someone didn't want you. You tear yourself down and self-sabotage because you feel unworthy of the attention someone may give you. I'm guilty of all these things. I'm terrified to let anyone in our fear of rejection, so I just don't let it happen. Slowly I'm coming to terms that if I'm worthy of God's love, I'm worthy of finding someone who will love me. So are you!
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
1 John 4:18
This has been my verse for a couple months now. Fear has been my undertaker in many instances where I have not needed to fear just yet. Anxiety is rooted in fear and that is something I have struggled with. Fear is a tool Satan uses against us because God tells us not to be afraid or anxious. God will open and close doors as needed. I've been saying this a lot because I'm walking through this with a friend of mine. God thinks we are worthy of his love and so embodying that in our lives is important too. We are made in God's image and we are fearfully and wonderfully made. It's hard to see past the scars and worries that our lives here on earth have given us. It's hard to think someone can see past all that hurt and just want to care for you as you are. I'm always so afraid someone will hear my story and walk away from me. Sometimes the thought that someone will just reject me is enough to just not even bother. At the end of the day, the thought reminds me that it doesn't matter who in this world loves me, God always does. Sometimes the negative thoughts still dance in my head. It's hard. I'm going to share some songs that talk about this.
But remember, your panic and fear isn't irrelevant and life is tough. You are worthy. You do deserve to be happy. You deserve to live a life that is fulfilling and loving. You deserve that even on days you feel you dont.
So, I've decided to get on here and really be real. I struggle with anxiety and depression. It is hard to talk about because I always get the vibe that people think I'm simply asking for attention when I talk about these mental health issues that slowly and always consume my life. I don't ask for people to easily understand, but I ask that people try. These issues are not something I asked for and they are most certainly something I hate dealing with. The depression comes and goes with thankfully no thoughts of taking my life. I can't say that was always the case, but I've come to realize that I have a lot of life to live and the people in my life are worth it and make life worth living.
As for my anxiety, it seems to be something that can be so debilitating that I sometimes stopping living and hide. I take to myself and stew in my own thoughts and let them consume me. When the moments hit I trying to revert back to something familiar and something that keeps me from really thinking about much, as the thoughts can be obsessive and worrisome. Life events can change people. Being lied to and tossed aside, being mentally and verbally abuse can change a person, and it's changed me. Yes someone putting you down daily and telling you and forcing you to change so they can keep you from things is abuse. There are so many things that people don't see. My favorite thing people say is, "But he is never like that with me." Mine issues are solely in relationship anxiety.
A lot of people who know me take notice that I typically have a hard time going places by myself, anything that could result in bad news I try to avoid and relationship is a huge big no, no for me as I worry and panic about things that could happen and that has affected me in that past. If I am not comfortable I will cancel plans or make plans to just stay home because I need time alone. Though that time alone sometimes doesn't result in a good outcome and others it proves to be extremely productive.
When it comes to relationships with others be it work, romance, friendships, or family, I will overthink. If something is said that makes it seem like something is wrong I will automatically assume the worse and let it stew in my head over the course of the next day or so till I know what you are truly thinking and have main intentions clear. Regardless of the outcome open communication with me, honesty, and transparency are the been means of communication. Along with that, I've also come to just not expect much from other people. Having hope for a situation tends to be the worse and last resort in a situation and my brain just always expects the worse.
Yes, I know what the Bible says. Yes, I know when you quote scripture to mean you mean the best. I know my bible and I know well God is bigger than my anxiety. I try to focus on that. When I do, I good for the moment while I pray and meditate on it. But once I resume focusing on mundane life things the thoughts come back. In fact most days I'm consistently lost in thought on scripture about not being anxious. Though sin in this world is really and anxious thoughts come back. I even have anxious thoughts about God, which can extremely troublesome.
I want help, and am getting it. But I also need understanding from my loved ones and friends. Telling me to calm down or get a grip only forces me to struggle more because it makes me feel like I don't have a good enough grip on what is happening in my life. Remember when you tell me it's going to be okay I am listening and I do believe you, but it takes a long time for my brain to realize that. I feel like I'm in flight or fight a good chunk of my day and my heart rate is through the roof. Somethings these anxiety attacks come out of nowhere and have no cause and honestly I can't tell you straight what triggers them. It's confusing and hard and not having a root to the issues makes coping a lot harder than it should be.
I wish I could describe what anxiety feels like. Especially as a Christian who knows my life is taken care of. Sometimes it's so frustrating that my brain just can't be content with the fact that God has all this together and He has control of every aspect of my life. It just won't take that as an answer even though my heart believes every moment of it. It's kind of like a game of tug of war, there are two sides, and your know that whoever wins may let go of the rope, and everything on the other side will fall to the ground. It's also like the sense of fear when you think you left the stove on or your curling iron after you've left the house. It that sense of fear and dread and it sits on your chest and makes you question if you've done something wrong or why you're not good enough. Makes you ask why you are so broken and why people put up with you.
I wish I knew how to fix it. I wish I knew how to make me better. I wish I knew how to be okay. But let's face the facts. God does more for me than most ways to treat it. I use CBD oil to also help me be functional. I just hope this helps people see me. I hope this shows others dealing with anxiety that they're not alone. I hope this encourages people to reach out and we can stop treating talking about mental illness like it's bad. I just want people to see me. I don't want people to feel bad for me.
Well it has been sometime since I've gotten on this blog and posted something. Right now are very trying times and I know I am struggling to face each day as I should as a christian. My heart isn't taking the hate coming in very well, when I know my heart is in the right place. So lately I've had to really try hard to. I've had a lot of people ask questions of me as well. Finding the right answers has been hard and some people just don't understand how I can still be so nice to people in the mist of the chaos that is taking over the united states.
This has been one verse that has really stuck out to me as whole and I'm so thankful to have found it. When i live by this it actually confuses them, it throws them off and they just can't seem to understand why I continue to show them kindness and love. As Christians we are taught to love. All through the Bible we see this message, and yet to many are responding to the hate with more anger an animosity. In fact earlier in Luke 6 it even goes as far to tell us to pray for those people!
I know I struggle with loving everyone who has ever wronged me and I know I am guilty of thinking these people don't deserve these things from me. But as living examples of God's love it is our responsibility to be that light even when we just feel angry.
