Yes. I see you and I see all of you. I know the pain you feel and the fear you feel when looking at something that might be unknown or something that could end in the same cycle you've been facing for a long time. The back and forth and the hurt that comes with letting people into your life only to let them walk on you and betray your trust. I see you.
I struggle with these thoughts daily. I struggle with letting people in and trusting them not to take your heart and just throw it on the ground. It's a daily battle. You want what others have, you want to let someone in...but that day you were cheated on or hit years back has caused a void that it seems hard to jump over.
These are the thoughts I struggle with. I've talked about my anxiety in a previous post today and a lot of it stems from a bad and horrible relationship that I found myself in. I never asked for him to be the way he was. I never wanted to be told I sucked at all the things I was good at. I never asked to be told, "How does it feel to love someone who doesn't love you?" No one askes for these things to happen. These scar people. Being cheated on scars people. Physical abuse scars people. All these things make it so hard for someone to really feel that can ever be happy again.
We fall into this sense that it's much better to just float from one person to the other and take what we need and move on to the next. We sometimes feel we are better off alone and never let anyone else in with a chance to show us what love is. Lately, I've been trying to rely on what God tells us love is, and that's what I want and search for. God's love is a prime example and he tells up so much about what it is and how it should be. Thought, because sin is in this world it's hard for us to see what is and what isn't especially when we have been through hell and back.
No, as humans love tends to be earned, though we miss the point. I personally feel there are different kinds of love. There unconditional love and romantic love in my eyes. There may be more, but I think you can love someone even though you don't love them romantically.
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. 1 Corinthians 14:4-8
Unconditional love is a huge part of our lives and it's probably the hardest love to give. Our parents hopefully have shown us this love in how they raise us, in their marriages if they're married and sometimes life misses the mark on this too. Sometimes we don't have good examples of this. Unconditional love has no stipulations on what you do or says to the person. They expect nothing from you. They will always love you. You love them.
The one thing I find that is so hard for a lot of people is thinking they are worthy of love in any form. Being rejected is hard. It sucks more than one cares to acknowledge. You beat down on yourself because someone didn't want you. You tear yourself down and self-sabotage because you feel unworthy of the attention someone may give you. I'm guilty of all these things. I'm terrified to let anyone in our fear of rejection, so I just don't let it happen. Slowly I'm coming to terms that if I'm worthy of God's love, I'm worthy of finding someone who will love me. So are you!
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
1 John 4:18
This has been my verse for a couple months now. Fear has been my undertaker in many instances where I have not needed to fear just yet. Anxiety is rooted in fear and that is something I have struggled with. Fear is a tool Satan uses against us because God tells us not to be afraid or anxious. God will open and close doors as needed. I've been saying this a lot because I'm walking through this with a friend of mine. God thinks we are worthy of his love and so embodying that in our lives is important too. We are made in God's image and we are fearfully and wonderfully made. It's hard to see past the scars and worries that our lives here on earth have given us. It's hard to think someone can see past all that hurt and just want to care for you as you are. I'm always so afraid someone will hear my story and walk away from me. Sometimes the thought that someone will just reject me is enough to just not even bother. At the end of the day, the thought reminds me that it doesn't matter who in this world loves me, God always does. Sometimes the negative thoughts still dance in my head. It's hard. I'm going to share some songs that talk about this.
But remember, your panic and fear isn't irrelevant and life is tough. You are worthy. You do deserve to be happy. You deserve to live a life that is fulfilling and loving. You deserve that even on days you feel you dont.
So, I've decided to get on here and really be real. I struggle with anxiety and depression. It is hard to talk about because I always get the vibe that people think I'm simply asking for attention when I talk about these mental health issues that slowly and always consume my life. I don't ask for people to easily understand, but I ask that people try. These issues are not something I asked for and they are most certainly something I hate dealing with. The depression comes and goes with thankfully no thoughts of taking my life. I can't say that was always the case, but I've come to realize that I have a lot of life to live and the people in my life are worth it and make life worth living.
As for my anxiety, it seems to be something that can be so debilitating that I sometimes stopping living and hide. I take to myself and stew in my own thoughts and let them consume me. When the moments hit I trying to revert back to something familiar and something that keeps me from really thinking about much, as the thoughts can be obsessive and worrisome. Life events can change people. Being lied to and tossed aside, being mentally and verbally abuse can change a person, and it's changed me. Yes someone putting you down daily and telling you and forcing you to change so they can keep you from things is abuse. There are so many things that people don't see. My favorite thing people say is, "But he is never like that with me." Mine issues are solely in relationship anxiety.
A lot of people who know me take notice that I typically have a hard time going places by myself, anything that could result in bad news I try to avoid and relationship is a huge big no, no for me as I worry and panic about things that could happen and that has affected me in that past. If I am not comfortable I will cancel plans or make plans to just stay home because I need time alone. Though that time alone sometimes doesn't result in a good outcome and others it proves to be extremely productive.
When it comes to relationships with others be it work, romance, friendships, or family, I will overthink. If something is said that makes it seem like something is wrong I will automatically assume the worse and let it stew in my head over the course of the next day or so till I know what you are truly thinking and have main intentions clear. Regardless of the outcome open communication with me, honesty, and transparency are the been means of communication. Along with that, I've also come to just not expect much from other people. Having hope for a situation tends to be the worse and last resort in a situation and my brain just always expects the worse.
Yes, I know what the Bible says. Yes, I know when you quote scripture to mean you mean the best. I know my bible and I know well God is bigger than my anxiety. I try to focus on that. When I do, I good for the moment while I pray and meditate on it. But once I resume focusing on mundane life things the thoughts come back. In fact most days I'm consistently lost in thought on scripture about not being anxious. Though sin in this world is really and anxious thoughts come back. I even have anxious thoughts about God, which can extremely troublesome.
I want help, and am getting it. But I also need understanding from my loved ones and friends. Telling me to calm down or get a grip only forces me to struggle more because it makes me feel like I don't have a good enough grip on what is happening in my life. Remember when you tell me it's going to be okay I am listening and I do believe you, but it takes a long time for my brain to realize that. I feel like I'm in flight or fight a good chunk of my day and my heart rate is through the roof. Somethings these anxiety attacks come out of nowhere and have no cause and honestly I can't tell you straight what triggers them. It's confusing and hard and not having a root to the issues makes coping a lot harder than it should be.
I wish I could describe what anxiety feels like. Especially as a Christian who knows my life is taken care of. Sometimes it's so frustrating that my brain just can't be content with the fact that God has all this together and He has control of every aspect of my life. It just won't take that as an answer even though my heart believes every moment of it. It's kind of like a game of tug of war, there are two sides, and your know that whoever wins may let go of the rope, and everything on the other side will fall to the ground. It's also like the sense of fear when you think you left the stove on or your curling iron after you've left the house. It that sense of fear and dread and it sits on your chest and makes you question if you've done something wrong or why you're not good enough. Makes you ask why you are so broken and why people put up with you.
I wish I knew how to fix it. I wish I knew how to make me better. I wish I knew how to be okay. But let's face the facts. God does more for me than most ways to treat it. I use CBD oil to also help me be functional. I just hope this helps people see me. I hope this shows others dealing with anxiety that they're not alone. I hope this encourages people to reach out and we can stop treating talking about mental illness like it's bad. I just want people to see me. I don't want people to feel bad for me.
Well it has been sometime since I've gotten on this blog and posted something. Right now are very trying times and I know I am struggling to face each day as I should as a christian. My heart isn't taking the hate coming in very well, when I know my heart is in the right place. So lately I've had to really try hard to. I've had a lot of people ask questions of me as well. Finding the right answers has been hard and some people just don't understand how I can still be so nice to people in the mist of the chaos that is taking over the united states.
This has been one verse that has really stuck out to me as whole and I'm so thankful to have found it. When i live by this it actually confuses them, it throws them off and they just can't seem to understand why I continue to show them kindness and love. As Christians we are taught to love. All through the Bible we see this message, and yet to many are responding to the hate with more anger an animosity. In fact earlier in Luke 6 it even goes as far to tell us to pray for those people!
I know I struggle with loving everyone who has ever wronged me and I know I am guilty of thinking these people don't deserve these things from me. But as living examples of God's love it is our responsibility to be that light even when we just feel angry.
When it comes to Christian faith we tend to see it in two parts. We see it in a scared and a secular part. This is one of the biggest things holding someone back. When you live alone the secular it causes much distress and too much attention to what is going on in the world. This is a super big difference in our life with God. When it comes to the sacred we always try to what is pleasing to God. This is how we show our faith and how we show God what he means to us. The other is when we go about our lives and act like these things are a waste of time because they do not involve God. The things we do to please God seem different because they seem unworldly like prayer for example. We forget that the things we do in everyday life can be pleasing to God and an act of worship. It is possible to put the two together. The separation we place is not in the bible. Jesus was always living his life to please God. There was no separation for him and he is the best example we have of this. Paul even said that we should do everything for the glory of God. This is everything, not just what we think God wants.
When we look at our misuse of what we have been given we should feel bad. There should be a conviction there. When we think of a Christian who lives their life please to God 100% of the time we see a life that is following God’s will for his life. We see one who is following what is written and is living fully for God. He understands the words that are written in God’s word. When we fully submit to God we are making sure that everything else follows. We must continually practice living for God and giving him the glory. When we acknowledge that we are 100% God’s we will be bringing together both parts of ourselves to make everything for God. All this and breaking old earthy habits can only be done when we practice our faith aggressively. We also need to remember that places are not sacred, it is God that makes it so. Everything in our lives is equal and not separate from anything when we are living for God.
Analysis:
After reading the chapter it is clear that Tozer is trying to make a clear statement about the fact that we do not live two separate lives. We either live completely for God or not for him at all. This seems to be an overall theme for the book as well as this chapter. We cannot live one without the other. When we work it is for God. When we read God’s word it is to experience God. All that we do is for God. We bring God with us wherever we go and there is no hiding from that. All that we do is to be pleasing to God, not just the sacred things we learn about it church. Our whole lives must be.
What I Have Learned:
I have learned that it is not just the time I invest in knowing God that reflects how my life is lived and that it is so much more than my knowledge of God. I will do more the make all that I do an act of worship to God, so my life can be pleasing to him in all ways.
When we look at the world around us we really do not see anything that represents the things that Jesus teaches us in the sermon on the mount. The virtues taught seem to be lacking in the world we live in. We see a lot of pride in the world we live which goes against the meekness we should see. We live in a world full of it, everywhere you look it is there. When Jesus spoke the things he did, what he said was extremely important to the way we live. Jesus was not just saying what he thought was right. Because he was who he was, he was always certain what he was speaking was the truth. In fact, what he spoke was the truth. What he said was supported by greater things than we know and we should listen to his words. When Jesus talks about the burden man carries he is talking far deeper than the physical burden. He is talking about spiritual and emotional burden as well. All of man carries the burden and when Jesus uses that word he is talking about the exhaustive burden. When we stop what we are doing and carrying, that is when we find the rest that Jesus is talking about.
The burden we have can take a toll on us from inside. It is not just physical. We do not have to bear this exhaustive burden and when we focus everything of God, that is when the burden is taken and we are able to rest. This is meekness. Most of the time when we think meek, we think weak and that is not the case at all. One who is meek can be strong. There is no burden holding them down. This is when we are right with God and we have accepted to take the yoke that has been offered to us, instead of carrying it alone. God is everything and we are nothing without him. When we walk in meekness, we are letting God take care of us. There is no struggle to defend ourselves. When this happens we are also delivered from things sin makes us think. We always want to impress. We want to make sure what we have is good enough for people to like us. With God that does not matter anymore. Our world is full of pride and pretense and the only way out of that and to meekness is through God. Letting him take care of it.
Analysis:
When reading it really got me looking at my life and how I have grown since I have come back to really wanting to follow God. When I was not invested in following, I wanted to take care of everything myself and it was exhausting. I was tired and always worrying about what would happen next. But now I find myself relying on God a whole lot more. Noting is more relaxing than knowing that God has this and he will always be there to take care of things. He will bring rest for those who focus on him.
What I Have Learned:
I have learned that it takes putting full faith and investment in God to really see what he wants from you and that through putting full faith in Him, he will bring peace of mind to your struggles and restlessness. This is where I will continue what I’m doing and let God drive and I will continue to worship him and stop trying to impress those around me because God is what matters.
Our crazy moral displacement is where our despairs come from and disturbs our relationship with God. Salvation is the repair of our relationship with God. This is what brings us back to what our relationship with God should be. (creator-creature) When we experience this change in our spiritual lives we will find complete contentment. This needs to be done within the consciousness of the sinner and experienced. This change needs to change the whole nature of the sinner. Looking at God is a good way for us to get a hold on where we should be moral with Him. He is our sun and we are the sailor. We are only standing correctly in our moral standing when we are looking at God. Lots of Christians struggle with this because we are unwilling to really take our lives to the next level with God and surrender. We need to make the adjustments that are required in our lives to live this way. When we accept God as he is then we can start on the right foot with him. In that, we also learn to love him for what he is. Before anything else, after everything else and above all is God. He will always be first in any order of anything thing.
When it comes to what we can give God, he deserves everything and anything we can give him. When we give him less than what he deserves we are sure to find grief. When we are willing to put God above all else and completely surrender our lives to Him, who deserves all is when we are finally right with God. When we finally break away from worldly living is a direct sign that we have changed our lives in the way of Creator-Creature relationship. This is the true to test of what He means to us. Not all are willing to give up everything to lift God up to where he belongs in their lives. When we are reluctant we need to remember you are either serving God or sin, you can not serve both. When you surrender to God you are giving up a slave driver and taking up a yoke that is easy to carry. We can only feel at home with God because that is where we are created. Jesus is the ultimate example of how we are to give ourselves to God.
Analysis:
When it comes to how we live our lives it really chalks up to God and how we view him in our lives. We are either all in or not in at all. God has to be first and there has to be a full submission in our relationship with him. God is our creator and he created us to worship Him in all we do. If we cannot do that we are living for ourselves and not for Him. We begin to find comfort in other things when we need to find comfort in Him and Him alone. What other way did Jesus find comfort in his life as he was living for his heavenly father when he was persecuted and nailed to a cross to die and bare our sins and to repair that relationship for all of us to have a chance to be in heaven with God.
What I Have Learned:
I have learned that I need to learn how to put God first, by following and spending more time with him. I can do this by making sure I make him a constant priority in my life and making sure I keep up with my studies and digging into his work and praying.
When the Bible teaches us things, one of the many things we learn is the doctrine of faith. Faith is super important and without it, it is impossible to make God happy. When it comes to faith we believe in a promise that is found in God’s word. We are trusting that the bible and God’s word are true. Throughout the Bible, there is very little that defines faith. Hebrews 11:1 is the only play we even find something close to a definition of faith. Faith is only defined functionally. There is not a philosophical definition of faith. Faith is a gift given to us by God. Isreal was a great example of faith in the sense that they tended to look with their eyes when faith is done with the heart. When it comes to our faith we are to always be looking at the God of mercy and never stop looking until we have found mercy. Jesus even looked at God, always did. We are told to keep our eyes on Jesus as we go through life, never faulting. Faith is not just a one-time thing, we are to constantly be attentive to that and to keep our focus on God. This is basically the thought to gaze at Jesus forever.
Faith is the least self-centered of all the things we learn. Faith is rerouting our vision and making sure God gets all of our focus. When we look up at God we are likely to see Him looking back with friendly eyes. Faith is probably one of the easiest things we can do. All people can have faith. It is so simple. Believing is simply looking. This can be done with nothing. You do not need anything to simply look. Looking can also be done anytime and anywhere you want to do it. You can do it at twelve AM at night or even when you clock in for work. There is something inside our very hearts that see God. There is something always going on between us and God. All this will bring on the habit of beholding God. All this will come with time as we do so. When it comes to us looking at God. We, as worshippers, are closer to each other together when we look up to him. Doing this out of habit will bring us to a whole new level in our relationship with God.
Analysis:
Faith is so simple that even children can do it. When it comes to believing in God and our faith it is something we need to make sure we practice in our walk with God. Keeping our eyes fixed on the one who created all things is just the beginning. Making sure the eyes stay fixed on Him is the key to developing the habits we need to have a spiritual engagement with Him. Making sure we stay focused on Him in all the things we do. He is our number one focus even when we are going about our everyday life. If that faith and focus is set on him, that will continue even through our regular day. God is with us 100% of the time.
What I Have Learned:
I have learned that faith is so easy and simple and it takes us focusing on God in all he is to form the habit to make him the center of all. I will continue to do my time with God and continue to keep him at the focus of my day.
